December 30th and the news

Our ultrasound was scheduled for December 30th at 9:30 and like I said in my last post, the day couldn't come fast enough. I had texted some of my closest friends saying "Ultrasound this Wednesday at 930. Please pray for peace for me until then. The first 20 weeks or so are hard on me mentally. I've been struggling a lot this past week. Feelings of fear or another loss."

The night before the ultrasound Ed and I were talking and I asked him if he had any thought of there not being a heartbeat when we did the ultrasound. He said "no". Wow--what was my problem? I had been consumed with it for weeks.

Right before I left for the appointment I ran upstairs and pulled out my "What to Expect When Your Expecting" book and looked at the 9th weeks to make sure we could see the heartbeat. Sure enough we should be able to see it.

The appointment finally came and my worst fears came true. As I lay there on the bed it became clear that there was no heart beat. I began to look at Ed in desperation. Was this really happening? The tech proceeded with the ultrasound without saying anything to us. Finally she told me I could "empty my bladder and get dressed then we could wait back in the waiting area". Ed finally asked if something was wrong. She told us she was not a doctor and could not give us the results of the ultrasound. Well, without saying anything we knew that something was wrong.

**This is not my ultrasound (we didn't get the pictures from mine). This is one I found on the internet but this is what we saw on the ultrasound.

We were sent to Dr Daily's office to get the official news. The rest of the post was my email telling my dear friends our news.

I don't even know how to start this email...

The ultrasound showed a sac that was 8 weeks but no developed baby. What does that mean? The baby never developed but the sac did so in the next couple of days I will start to experience bleeding and my body will get rid of the sac. Since there is no baby I will not have to have a D & C they will just let my body naturally expel everything much like a period.

With the 1s miscarriage the ultrasound was done after I had already been bleeding and there was really no way to tell what had happened because the uterus was completely empty. This time the ultrasound was done anticipating a healthy baby and heartbeat since I have really had no symptoms of a miscarriage. The Dr believes the same thing probably happened with both pregnancies (egg fertilized but baby never developed).

I will have to do blood work every week until my hormone levels get back to 0. When we did the early blood work my levels were increasing as expected and since I haven't started having any signs of a miscarriage they will likely still be climbing or just leveling off. With the 1st miscarriage it took 4 weeks for my levels to reach 0. That means 4 blood draws and I was bleeding most of that time.

I told my Dr I didn't want to start the blood work today so I probably won't go until Monday. Which means I won't know my levels until Tuesday. The levels really don't matter to anyone but the Dr and the only reason I mention them is that it is not fun to go to a lab to get blood drawn to find out yes indeed you are not pregnant.

Mentally and emotionally I am struggling at best. I had been consumed with the thoughts of loss the past 2 weeks and had really expected to hear the heartbeat today and have that weight lifted. My mom has the kids and I sent Ed back to work. I'm getting my hair cut in an hour (still planning on keeping that appointment). I have talked to my mom but saying the words out loud proved to be painful so please don't get your feeling hurt if I don't answer if you call. I know for most of you this is something you cannot completely relate to so I don't want to put undo pressure on you as friends. And having gone through it before I know it is a hard thing for friends to know what to do. Here's some tips (I feel a bit ridiculous typing this but I'm going to anyway).

Go ahead and call--I need it even if I don't have the guts to answer.

Please pray.

Don't be afraid to ask me questions or talk about it.

If you know someone who knew we were pregnant please feel free to tell them. It's not a secret and even if they didn't know we were pregnant I won't be upset if you tell them.

I may (or may not) take a little break from church. It's tough because I know that is where I should be but right this minute I don't feel like it. I'll keep you posted on those thoughts.

As for other thoughts...here they are

It is a loss. This is hard. My heart is broken. I feel like the rug has been ripped out from under me. I am in shock. I will have the tendency to with drawl from people and things. Right now I feel let down. Right now I feel sorry for myself. Right now I am angry.

I have walked this road so I know that I will get through it. My faith was strengthen the 1st time. I expect that to happen again.

I love and cherish each one of you.

Kathy